jazzy: marked by unrestraint, animation, or flashiness. oh, my. where do i even begin? yes, the jazzy scooter does offer its users the freedom to roam about. animated, eh– but yes indeedy, it is most certainly, above all else, flashy.
never have i ever done anything that has screamed “look at me!” more than riding on the jazzy. for anyone out there that is feeling like he needs to be the center of attention or for any “baby’s that have been put in the corner”, ride on the jazzy just one time, in a crowded walmart and you’ll be cured of that right away.
it was going to be a simple outing, i thought. mark was busy on the riding lawnmower cutting the green acres and i hadn’t been out of the house in days. i’ll go to walmart, pick up a few things for dinner and feel like i’m somewhat useful. the doting hubby that he is, he asked, “are you sure you’re going to be okay? can you make the drive all right?” i assured him that i’d be just fine. the store was only 8 miles down the road and i was going to use one of those motorized wheelchairs they have available in the lobby to get around. “i can do things, too!” i said like a big girl. “how much trouble can i get into a wheelchair?”
i walked into wally world and there were two chairs waiting. one was plugged in, but marked as “CHARGING/1pm”. it was 3pm so i thought two hours would be long enough. i hobbled toward it but the greeter shook her head at me. i motioned toward the sign and again, she shook her head. ooookay…apparently two hours isn’t enough, so i took the chair on the left. the only other one left. it wasn’t plugged in, so i figured it wouldn’t have much juice left. right i was! these attention-getters-on-wheels don’t tend to go too fast at full speed; when not fully charged turtles on roller skates could pass you by.
i rode along collecting my goods and discovered a few things. 1.) if you stand up to reach something on a shelf and the chair doesn’t sense your body weight on it, an alarm will go off. a very loud, annoying, embarassing alarm. and when you reverse, an equally annoying alarm will go off that sounds like a dumptruck backing up. 2.) if you wear a baggy hippie sundress, and you have gained a little bit of weight from being sedentary with a back injury for the past month and being depressed because your mother also died in the same past month, you will look like you’re one of those overweight people that need the chair because they can’t walk. 3.) people are more than happy to help elderly people that are riding in the jazzies, but if you are a 30-something girl that has been making a lot of annoying alarms go off and they are disgusted with you using the chair and not trying to walk the weight off, they will not help you. 4.) elderly people that are using the jazzies because they are elderly will give you the evil death stare because they think you’re faking and abusing the chair privileges.
i had pretty much had enough with my outing to walmart. dejected, i just wanted to go home. my chair was running on empty and about to leave me stranded any moment. quickly, i saw a line that had no people in it, so me and the jazzy pressed on. out of no where comes a man and his child to swoop in and line jump. that is total cause for removal from the park!! i had just about had enough of this craptastic trip and couldn’t take it anymore. i shouted to him, “i know you saw me going for this line.” he did nothing, so I shouted even louder, “i KNOW you hear me talking to you!” he turned and looked at me and then just turned back around. so i just burst out with, “ASSHOLE!!” which was totally deserved. how are you going to cut in line in front of a girl in a wheelchair?? the man in the line next to me, clutching his baby for dear life and shaking his head, just looked at me pitifully like i was some crazy jazzy girl.
how much trouble could you get into in a wheelchair? well, if you’re me, one never knows…
3 Comments
June 30, 2009 at 10:19 am
hey! you are hilarious!!! i really enjoy reading your blog. they make me laugh and cry at the same time. just delightful. keep ‘em coming! pam
July 17, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I stumbled on to this looking for someone (ANYONE!) blogging about back injuries.. this made me laugh out loud – truly! I have dealt with so many of these things on the “Wal-Mart” trips! Funny, people are usually very friendly and helpful if I’m out in my OWN wheelchair, but not if I’m in one provided by the store! If they only knew how HARD it is to shop in one of those monsters, they would know we don’t do it out of laziness! Thanks again for the laugh
July 17, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Tammy–thanks so much for stopping by my blog. It makes me smile to know that you got a laugh out of it! That’s why I’m here, I suppose. There’s such craziness in the world, I just have to first point it out because that’s how I roll, and THEN laugh about it. Or at least roll my eyes, sigh, shake my head in disbelief!
Back injuries are crazy serious–I never realized how important the back was until now. But oh, how do I know now! I hope yours has you feeling better soon!